I had a dream last night. Firstly, I rescued an idiotic Swan Princess who wanted to sleep and have sex rather than escape a castle I had infiltrated as a ninja. She annoyed the hell out of me, and she ended up causing a matress to fall over and alert the guards. We and the other rebels had to then attempt to fight the sorcerer army ourselves.

My second dream was much better. In essence, this ten-year-old girl and I (who turned out to be 19) were racing up the stairs, me on a pogo stick and her on foot. There were 100 stairs so she won, but I declared it cheating so we raced up the hill. I was in the lead for the most part, but struggled to pull myself over the final ledge, giving her the victory. I rolled back down the hill for fun, wallowing in defeat, breakfalling whenever I dropped off a ledge. When I next looked at her, she looked like Bethwyn.

In my delirium, not properly awake, I fantasised it was Bethwyn, so there was no harm being so attracted to her. When I woke more properly, I realised I was attracted to sportiness, to competetiveness, to someone who equal or surpass me physically. How awesome it would be to go freerunning or spar with Bethwyn. The other thing I realised (as the waking dream rolled on into passion) is that I wished Bethwyn was sexier. That is to say, acted sexier. She's sexy by definition, no mistake about that, but at some point she stopped trying to be sexy, to look and act sexy and to surprise me or seduce me. That I miss (though when she's in the mood she can do things that are very attractive).

So I dreamed about a different kind of Bethwyn. A sexier, sportier Bethwyn. And guiltily, I enjoyed it. But here I have something important to say: I love Bethwyn the way she is, and I would never choose anyone over her. Yes I would find her incredibly more attractive if she was either of the above two things, but that's not fair on her if she can't be sporty (because her body works against her physically) and her libido isn't very high right now. Regretable, but involuntary.

I just wanted to express that, but via a medium she wouldn't read so that I didn't sound like I was pressuring her to be different.

I feel a considerable hollowness within me.

Yesterday, instead of studying Law like I planned to or Statutory Social Work like I should have done (my exam was today), I played Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II for seven or eight hours. I played it again for an hour when I woke up, and played it some three or four hours when I got home. But unlike the previously satisfying 30 hours or so of gameplay, I've become unsettled. Rather than fill the time with enjoyment and pleasure and satisfaction, I'm troubled and disturbed. First Korriban, where the last jedi master was dead, then the hidden tomb where I faced nightmares and was challenged to the core of my beliefs in my faith in the jedi. Then the masters themselves were "lifeless, worse than death. Their bodies were drained of the force". Kreia had no apparent motivation except the possibility of being a sith mistress. When I returned to Telos, the Last of the Handmaidens, my favourite character in the game, was apparently killed by her mistress who also turned out to be sith-inclined. Kreia's gone off to create a rift in the Force and end all life everywhere unless I go to  her, so I'm the second-last jedi left (aside from my padawans- thankfully the Handmaiden lives) and the person who told me to trust her above all else is bringing about an end to everything.

This game freaking sucks. I don't get what all the hype is about the wars, and the more I play it the more I doubt the jedi, myself and my beliefs, and why I'm playing the damn thing. I spent the whole game looking for the masters only to have them killed instantly. Telos is fucked because the game apparently glitched and I can't tell Lieutenant Grenn about the new fuel source Votta has available, so there goes the future of the republic... And why is it that I unlocked the last few characters in the last few worlds when I didn't get a chance to use them? Not to mention Swoop Racing is freaking ridiculous.

So, after an exam I thought I'd play for a little while. And that little while turned out to be a long while. And that long while got progressively worse. I am in no way satisfied and must settle with the idea that KotOR II is a stupid game. I will play on in the morning (when I have access to the computer) and try not to spend any more time thinking about it.

Oh, and Eugene's lost the powercord to the laptop and hasn't looked for it in the week he's known it's missing. For decent reasons, admitted, but it still cheeses me that I use the main computer which Dad has claimed as his own (literally). Makes studying (and apparently gaming) difficult.

Bethwyn and I have a pretty awesome relationship. We're both wholly commited to it, love each other very much, and share a deep intimacy (if not always passion) that keeps us so close. Things are essentially perfect, aside from the occasional disagreement, which leads to one person feeling hurt or irritated (which of course doesn't help in the slightest)...

One thing that's always been a kind of problem is that I've been too childish. Don't stop me, it's my blog, let me speak. See, I've got this theory, more of an idea which I'm not bothering to back up, that everyone's a kid inside. We get nicer clothes, we learn how to respond to people better, but we still love playing. Our toys change (though I think we all enjoy playing with action figures or w/e you played with ten years ago), get more expensive, do more things, but they're still toys. We love to be stupid and joke and enjoy recklessness or idiocy for the sake of it. Little things like that which lead me to believe we're just kids dressed up as adults and made to conform.Yeah it's got a lot of holes in it. But I at least am a kid, inside and out. I love stupid jokes, bad dancing, singing along with all my heart (if I know the words), running up walls and doing roley poleys.

But this is all a very roundabout way of saying I love parkour. As kids, I think a lot of us loved to climb trees, swing on poles, play on a playground for crying out loud. What is parkour but climbing, swinging, jumping, running? Except we're bigger now and the obstacles are slightly larger. A kid can jump chest height but it doesn't look very impressive. When I clear something 1.2 metres it's at least enough to raise an eyebrow. Parkour is childplay for so-called adults. And I love it. I always have.

I used to embarrass Bethwyn by running around, jumping stuff, climbing stuff, what have you. She'd feel really embarrassed by me and I'd feel awful, like she was mothering me. I didn't want that so, eventually, I stopped actively looking for paths. I'd notice some of the obvious ones, but I wouldn't invent new ones, and I'd never take them. Over the past few months Bethwyn has been much more... how shall I say... accepting. She's not as embarrassed by the things I/we do, she's not nearly so shy, she's really opening up which is great. She's giving me room to be myself, and this past week or two she's expressed interest in starting parkour. I've been really excited to train with her, but to be honest I'm not sure I have the patience and feel it might come across as condescending. I will challenge myself to be patient and master the basics before I dare to think I can try the more advanced moves.

But anyway, she read an article on parkour in Women's Health and sought out some recommended parkour shoes. We got a pair each and today, I had an extra half hour before Mum picked me up. So, having worn them for days without doing anything, I thought I'd pass the time by giving them a quick workout. Lately Bethwyn's openness has encouraged me to not feel guilty and I've been seeing more paths and coming closer and closer to taking them. So I decided, hell, I'll vault the wall even though it didn't really serve a purpose. I dropped into the pit below and made my way (awkwardly) back up. I kept walking and found another wall, which I practiced my hanging from. Got a bit nervous and left to find a more secluded area where I practiced cats (jumping to a wall, ledge-hanging and pulling yourself up). I started jumping again- trying to improve my standing jump, re-learning my one-step and two-step distances.

Then, finally, I came to the humanities common room. It's one floor of the ground with a little balcony off the side so people can smoke in open air. I've always wanted to jump off it- it's about the same height as the Trinity balconies, except with grass underfoot, but Bethwyn has always forbidden me. Not to knock Bethwyn, but I wanted to be myself. It was around 5, not many people were around, so I psyched myself up and walked to the balcony ledge. I was shaking from all the adrenaline, using new muscles, gaining new scrapes. Looking over the edge, I thought it seemed higher than I remembered and decided to have a practice first. I went down to the grass below and jumped on the spot, dropping into a roll when I hit the ground. I did a flawless roll, absolutely perfect, and figured there was no point delaying. So, after commiting and not thinking about it, I climbed over, didn't have enough footing, and decided to drop off the edge.

I landed heavily, a little too hard on my heels, and ended up in a kind of squat. After most of the impact had gone through my feet I kind of forced myself to roll, quite superfluously. I wasn't hurt, but my feet tingled a little and I decided that was enough shock for one day. The challenge for me is to turn the momentum into a roll as soon as (not too early, not too late) I hit the ground. But I'll get there some day, though heaven knows how I'll practice.




To sum up an incredibly longwinded entry... It felt good to be myself. To play, to be childish, to once again test my boundaries and slowly eke out what I'm capable of. And it was something deeply personal, kind of spiritual, which I felt so grateful to be able to do by myself for myself. Bethwyn's such a huge part of my life, but to be honest, having at least one thing, just for me, is deeply gratifying. I hope to make a habit of it, sticking to the rationale that Ye harm none do what ye will. If it won't damage property or hurt myself or others, then don't hold back, go 100%. It's an idea that makes me smile, gives me hope.

So returns my own Edge on which to run. Although, forgive me, I doubt Bethwyn will have the commitment (or perhaps I'll just lack the patience that gives her the chance to be committed) to training herself and learning the techniques. I don't think she'll have the confidence for my kind of running, either, so perhaps a woman's group really would be great for her.

Anyway, I'm hopefully going to get back into it some time. Front flips to come (Y)